​I know who I am: The struggle of a 22-year-old to choose her gender identity

"I had a feeling that I was experiencing the fantasy that day," reviews Kritika (name changed). The 22-year-old, who is situated in Delhi and fills in as an official with the British Airways, starts to look down her Facebook profile page. "There it goes. That is the October 8 post," she brings up at her 2017 course of events. It peruses: "… is feeling adored. At long last, I got what I needed for a long time." 

She doesn't quit looking over. This time, she peruses out the October 18 post. "I am a lady today," she says, her voice somewhat more than a whisper. She delays and afterward talks louder. "I am a lady today physically as characterized by society. In this manner, I fit into that definition to some degree. Be that as it may, I was dependably a lady in my spirit." 

She keeps, perusing out another post. "This isn't a tale about being conceived in the wrong body. This is the narrative of being conceived in the wrong world. This is the tale of being told our identity — without our assent. This an account of a sexual orientation that declines to be characterized by a body," Kritika peruses out. 

"It was a little small step towards accomplishing my objective. It was my first laser treatment session. Be that as it may, that day was extremely essential as I enrolled myself as female when I went to the (hair expulsion) facility," she says. 

Little did she understand that it would lead her to battle court fights and the legislature; and raced to four distinctive focal government services; and transform her into a specialist of progress for those whose feeling of sexual orientation is inconsistent with their sex. 

For Dr Richie Gupta, a main specialist in the nation in the field of sex change surgery, Kritika is among a few transgender patients he has led surgery on over the most recent two decades. In October a year ago, he and his group of specialists finished the three-year long strategy of sex reassignment surgery (SRS) at Fortis Hospital in Shalimar Bagh. Yet, for Gupta, Kritika's case would emerge. Not for its medicinal change. In any case, for the change she would bring outside. 

"Everybody asks me, 'When did it happen?' There is no date or course of events. I got a kick out of the chance to dress like a young lady when I was a child. I recollect my folks disliked that. Individuals began tormenting me. As I grew up, individuals in Lucknow began influencing me to feel that I was unique. That began influencing me mentally. It was discouraging. I used to sit alone amid meal breaks and class interims. I was a desolate child," she reviews. 

The entry of pubescence took the contention more profound inside herself. "I began getting a facial hair and mustache. I began despising myself. I utilized hair evacuation creams implied for young ladies. In any case, it wound up difficult to utilize them all over. At that point I began shaving and endeavoring to resemble a kid. I abhorred seeing myself and even endeavored suicide. I didn't know where to go. My folks did not comprehend my concern," she says. 

Things would then deteriorate, she says, influencing her investigations. "I was an extremely studious child. In any case, when I was in Class XI, I battled. I needed to make companions. In this way, I constrained myself and endeavored to be more manly. Inside my head, I was feeling choked," she says. 

Kritika moved from Lucknow to Ghaziabad in 2013, when she selected for an undergrad building course at a private college. That would be a defining moment in her life. 

"My folks had turned out to be more defensive. I am the single youngster. I needed to learn move. In any case, they didn't enable me to go outside. When I cleared my state-level placement test, I decided on a school near Delhi. I would not like to remain at home. However, I remained at a private inn to abstain from ragging," she says. 

The designing school would demonstrate a threatening spot, compelling her to stop midway. "I was bugged in school. They began calling me Karan Johar. Dostana had quite recently discharged. I whined to the central yet she didn't react. One night, the circumstance compounded. At the point when my flat mate was absent, a gathering of young men endeavored to sexually mishandle me. I had an exam the following day. I cleared out the lodging instantly and moved to a PG. I didn't inform my folks concerning it," Kritika says. 

That was it. That brush with brutality helped her decide. She would stop building and experience a change in September 2014. "What occurred in the lodging was mortifying. I had no companions and began getting more detached. I chose to stop building. I chose to experience change," says Kritika. 

In any case, the SRS surgery was costly. Kritika knew she needed to approach her folks for encourage however began her adventure freely. "I began to skip suppers to spare cash. I had 8-10 appropriate suppers in a month. When I figured out how to spare around Rs 30,000, I chose to experience laser treatment for hair evacuation. That was the starting," Kritika says. 

On October 14, Kritika experienced the laser treatment. After a month, she met Dr Gupta, who at that point alluded her to Dr Rajiv Mehta, a specialist therapist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital in Delhi. This was done to therapeutically affirm that Kritika was experiencing sex personality issue (GID) or was sex dysphoric. 

Right off the bat, we have to comprehend the contrast amongst sexual orientation and sex. Sex speaks to physical separation and is demonstrated by outside appearance. Sexual orientation is simply the mental acknowledgment. The sentiments of an incongruence amongst sex and sexual orientation is restoratively named as dysphoria. In the event that somebody desires reconstructive surgery, it is my obligation to allude them to a therapist, who will ensure that the individual is rationally fit to experience such a change," says Dr Gupta. 

In November 2014, Dr Mehta started guiding Kritika. "The initial step was to analyze sexual orientation dysphoria. At that point we check on the off chance that she is experiencing some other sort of psychological maladjustment. On the off chance that the individual is discouraged, we need to first treat that… But, in particular, through advising, we check whether she can experience the social part or not. On the off chance that a male is getting changed into a female, we need to check whether the individual is happy with doing straightforward female-related movement. It could be as straightforward as sending them shopping to buy female garments," he says. 

In one session, he requested that Kritika come dressed as a lady. "I was exceptionally anxious. However energized. I wore a sari and went in the metro. This was the first occasion when I voyaged this way," says Kritika. 

She set up a Facebook post, educating her companions that she would wear a dark sari like the one that performer Priyanka Chopra wore at an occasion. Following a two-month long appraisal, the specialist gave her a GID authentication on January 17, 2015. "I was extremely energized that I could now approach an endocrinologist, who might start my hormone substitution treatment (HRT). The time had come to see little changes both inside and outside my body," says Kritika. 

The primary change Kritika saw was the loss of physical quality toward the beginning of the HRT. "Estrogen hormones began to lessen my physical quality. I began feeling feeble and tired on the off chance that I endeavored," she says. 

Kritika needed to gather up the valor to confront different challenges that would stand up to her. "Once the treatment started, it was another battle. I needed to move to a young ladies' convenience. I needed to move four places inside three months. One proprietor instructed me to empty without pulling out. He had a misinterpretation that a transwoman is dependably into sex business," she says. 

From house-chasing to scanning for employments, Kritika confronted separation all through. "In three days, I confronted five meetings. I got dismissed in every one of them. A HR individual likewise requesting that I sit independently. At long last, I landed a position in a BPO in Noida." 

At the point when a lady security protect at the Saket Select City Walk in Delhi tended to her as 'madam', and requesting that her enter from the door implied for "women", Kritika was excited. "This was a compliment. It was additionally a little signal of acknowledgment. I began cherishing myself more with each passing day," says Kritika. 

In a couple of months, Kritika had changed employments and wound up at a more steady working environment, as well. "I began working for an American organization to help the progress. The group pioneer, the supervisor and others were steady. I began wearing kajal and lip gleam. Also, no one remarked." 

Amid her fourth month of HRT, she would meet another specialist to examine her sex reassignment surgery. "Looking through my restorative records, the specialist saw that I was only 19 and was supporting my surgery autonomously. He inquired as to whether I had any accomplice to help me. I said no," Kritika reviews.

She says that the specialist at that point demonstrated her photographs of a transsexual lady, who had hitched and received kids. "The specialist let me know, 'There are a couple of folks in this world who will comprehend you. Regard you. What's more, will be prepared to help you amid the change time frame and after that'," he says. 

To begin with, however, there was the surgery to get past. Despite the fact that the specialists had given her an approval, Kritika sufficiently required assets. 

"I connected and was asked to a meeting at a notable IT organization. When I uncovered to them that I am experiencing change, I got a call from the expert that the meeting was scratched off. My male companion, who had been required the meeting around the same time, went for the meeting. That day I was compelled to trust that a few organizations keep on being transphobic," says Kritika. 

Things landed most noticeably bad on the position front. In the following organization which utilized her, Kritika reviews how protects would not enable her to utilize the female passage as she was as yet a male on official records. "Amid that activity, I was battling with physical changes. I used to feel so mortified when a male watch would touch my body each day. I attempted to persuade the businesses to treat me like a lady. I guaranteed them that I'll complete my character cards soon. I needed to switch my activity. Another battle with the new activity was the clothing regulation. I was requested that not wear round neck shirts and shoes. I educated them concerning my sexuality. The organization was not delicate towards my progress," says Kritika. 

Following seven months of HRT, Kritika would at long last wind up at a work environment which would acknowledge her. "I at that point joined IBM Gurgaon. Individuals were so touchy and steady. I kept on working here for very nearly two years. In any case, there was a little issue. Everybody tended to me as madam. In any case, amid all my official interchanges I kept on being male. This was a bit of humiliating," says Kritika. 

When she connected for an advance for her surgery, a private bank dismissed her application due to a "confuse of archives". "They thought I was giving another person's archives. I educated them concerning my restorative treatment yet they didn't react," says Kritika. 

Be that as it may, it was a transport travel home that was the trigger for Kritika to battle another fight: getting another name, sexual orientation and personality. "I quit going via air since I would be halted for not having a female personality card. When, I concluded that I would go by transport. I voyaged supposing they would not request a character card. I even spruced up like a kid to conceal my hair. In any case, my facial appearance was feminine to the point that the conductor distinguished me and got rowdy with me. It was an overnight trip and it ended up being a bad dream. After this episode I chose to get my ID cards changed. I needed to carry on with a honorable life," she says. 

Kritika says she assembled data from various sources about acquiring another personality card—and keeping in mind that doing that, she looked for the assistance of Congress MP Shashi Tharoor. "I had an Aadhaar card issued in my old name. They said they can't change the name on the card. Be that as it may, they could change the sexual orientation in the event that I got a suggestion from a MP. I connected with Tharoor through email. He guaranteed me of each conceivable help. At long last, my name and sex were changed on my Aadhaar card and at my work environment. It was a snapshot of triumph for me." 

The fight was just half-won. "To change my name in other authority records like the marksheet, the legislature needed to issue a periodical notice. I needed to finish my designing degree. In any case, for that I expected to change my name in the newspaper. In any case, the authorities said that it was required for me to give a SRS authentication," Kritika says. In May 2016, she moved the Delhi High Court against the controller of productions, testing their principles. She told the HC that the legislature had disregarded her central rights by declining to enable her to change her name and sexual orientation and have a stately existence. 

As she sat tight for the court to hear contentions, she kept on pursueing her case with the chief of printing and production. "I began meeting authorities. I composed messages to the service of urban improvement, calling attention to that the current performa (prerequisites) for change in sex has been made without legitimate legitimacy, and disregarding the historic point NALSA judgment. The NALSA judgment obviously expresses that emphasis on restorative archives is shameless and illicit. All the more critically, the judgment plainly expresses that sexual orientation and natural properties constitute two particular segments of sex. The SRS isn't the main recreation of male/female, HRT likewise gives optional sexual highlights amid the change," says Kritika. 

For just about four months, she would keep on pursueing the issue week by week. "A gathering occurred at the level of joint secretary in the service of urban advancement. The issue was likewise alluded to the bureau of legitimate undertakings at the law service. At last, they changed the arrangement of the performa. In any case, when they took an endeavor, they said that I had a place with the transgender group," says Kritika. 

Kritika would decline to acknowledge the change. "I disclosed to them this was not worthy and that I distinguish myself as a lady. We battled like kids via telephone. I at that point composed a long mail." The long email would work for Kritika and the joint secretary would herself mediate in the issue. "After nitty gritty dialog, she sent another changed performa," says Kritika. 

On May 15, 2016, Kritika composed another email to the service. "I can't express in words how cheerful and content I am today. You will all be recalled in each desire of mine as this is the greatest thing that has transpired. Believe me, for transsexual individuals, it is no not as much as a memorable thing that has happened today: that they can get another character without medicinal reports," the email read. 

A half year later, Kritika would likewise total her therapeutic treatment. She needs to finish her incomplete dream: to secure a designing degree. In any case, she now faces another obstacle: to change her name in the marksheets. "I need to refresh my marksheets now to finish my graduation. The Uttar Pradesh government instruction board said they have no strategy for sex change. I thought of them a five-page letter. The authority asked me for what valid reason I changed my sex. I educated them regarding my trip. They specifically released my story that I experienced change since I was bothered. In any case, that was not the sole purpose behind my progress ," she says. 

The UP government has now requested that her get a testament from the Chief Medical Officer. "I would prefer not to be embarrassed further," she says. Kritika has now moved the Allahabad High Court looking for the court to pass arrange to support her. In the keep going hearing on February 2, Justice Attau Rahman Masoodi has given two weeks to document the counter sworn statement in the issue, "… coming up short which, the court should continue for conclusive hearing," the court said. 


"In this nation, a bit of paper chooses your predetermination," Kritika says. This time however, that bit of paper would likewise choose something near her heart. "I have discovered my life accomplice. I am sitting tight for the legislature to react. When things become all-good, I will finish my designing and settle down with him. So this bit of paper that I am sitting tight for is critical to me," Kritika says, as she keeps on battling another fight.